* When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with
great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains,
beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've
given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
Gabriel took an
appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't
you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all
these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
"Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said
* Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking
up lost balls until they have stopped
* The Winters can be extremely cold in the North of Scotland, so the
owner of the big farm felt he was doing a favour when he bought earmuffs
for his farm worker, Airchie.
However, he noticed that Airchie wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even though it was bitterly
cold. So he asked, 'Did ye no like the earmuffs I gave
ye?' "Weel", said Airchie, not wanting to upset his employer, "
they are a
don't you wear them
Airchie explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but
somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear
*Jock was shipwrecked and washed ashore on a
tropical island. As he opened his eyes and gazed around, he saw a lovely
young woman wearing only a grass skirt.
"Are you hungry?" she murmured.
"Very," he groaned. So she reached into a little bag woven from
palm fronds, and brought out a pie and chips wrapped in the previous
day's Scottish News and still hot. He ate with gusto.
"Are you thirsty?" she asked when the food had disappeared.
"Very," he cried, wondering what was to come this
time. From the little bag she produced
a bottle of fine old single malt whisky, and the astonished Jock took a long,
"And now," she said, nestling against him, "how would you like to
Our Jock shot upright in disbelief. "Dinna tell me you've
even got a set of golf clubs in there!" he
* Angus was on a visit to New York and decided
to get his
cut. Seeing a barber's salon, he went in.
"How much is a haircut?" he asked.
"Haircuts start at twenty dollars," he was told. Auld Angus rubbed his chin and had a wee think.
"How much is a shave?"
"A shave? Oh, a shave's ten dollars."
"Weel then" said our Angus; "just shave my heid
Now, two jokes courtesy of "Nessie" of our
The teacher asked her students,"What did the Scots call Scotland before the English arrived?" Wee Jimmy
raised his hand and quickly replied, "Oors,
A Scotsman was offered 500 pounds by
an American for his dog and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Everyone who knew him was stunned to discover
that he took the offer from the Englishman. He explained,"Well,he can walk back home from England but he'll
never manage to swim The
(thanks Nessie; contributions always
* Lady Marjorie, the Laird's wife, was host to some of the
local worthies. As she handed a glass of whisky to auld Jock, she told
it was of high quality, having
been aged for 14 years. "Weel yer Ladyship", said auld Jock "it's got a grand character, but
- it's a bit
was ha'in' a wee chunter with his auld crony Angus, tellin' him a' aboot his problems o' the
hairt. " A'm fair ta'en wi' this wee lassie, but she's nae siller - an' there's this auld
widdy wumman that wid hae me richt awa'; she's awfu' weel aff. What's tae dae, Angus? The lassie's
richt comely, but the widow's real wealthy. Which dae I marry? "
"Weel now", said Angus, efter due conseederation; "There's nae
doot haein' siller's a grand thing, but it canna make ye happy. Ach, young Sandy, if ye want a guid life
hereafter, marry the puir wee lass. - Oh, and bye the bye, where was it ye said
the auld widow lived?"
*Wee Jimmy was wandering through a graveyard
in a Glasgow cemetery, when he came to a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man"...
..."Michty me," says Jimmy
tae himsel', " Ye'd never believe there wuz enough room fer twa men in that wan
* Did you hear about the Scotsman
who was arrested for a smash and grab raid on a jewelers shop window?
He came back to collect his brick.
* Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the
stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said
sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a
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